Should you just hook up or should you seriously date? If you're not sure, read this!
You swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, but suddenly there's a gorgeous girl on Tinder. She has a seductive, pretty face, and you're instantly attracted to her, so you swipe right.
After a few messages here and there, the two of you meet up for coffee that leads to a bar for "just a drink." A few drinks later, you're walking her back to your apartment, opening the door, kissing her passionately on the neck as she takes off her clothes. You experience the best sex and probably the best night of your life.
She completely rocked your world.
The next day, you can't stop thinking about her. You feel like she has it all - she's smart, she's hot, and she seems really into you. You go from "This is going to be great casual sex" to "I want to date this girl."
But you're confused about what to do now. Do you talk to her or ignore her, is it just your imagination playing tricks on you or do you really like her, do you text her to just chat, or do you call her to set up a date?
So many questions, so much confusion. I know, who hasn't been through something like this?! That's why we're going to help you with that decision.
First, we'll determine if you really want to date the girl, and then we'll move on to the 10 ways to turn casual encounters into a relationship. Because most of the time, it seems like guys don't really want a relationship, they want comfort, or they have other undiagnosed needs.
That's why we have a checklist where we'll go through this to help you determine what you really want.
How do I know if I want to date?
To know if you want to date or stay single, go through the 4 points on the list below, we call it the checklist. This checklist will guide you if you're saying, "I don't know if I want to date"...
1. The honeymoon phase
The moment you meet a girl, you feel like she's the only one in the world for you. You see all of her beauty and are simply mesmerized by everything she does, without noticing any of her flaws.
Welcome to the honeymoon phase.
The honeymoon phase is when you are just getting to know her and you think your connection is super cool. But if I asked you to name her flaws (and trust me, everyone has flaws), you would be incapable of doing so.
When our hormones are raging and we think we have found our soulmate, what actually happens is that we are blinded by the honeymoon phase.
Take some time to really get to know your connection with her, her strengths and weaknesses, but also her flaws. Only then will you be able to see the person as they really are, rather than just the mental image you have projected of them.
Question to think about: "Can you name three of your flaws and how are you accepting them?"
The point is, we all have flaws, but are they acceptable to you?
2. "Only fish in the sea" syndrome
For a while you had no one, and then suddenly a girl came along. So you jumped in and thought you had to go out with her.
There are over 4 billion women out there, and even if you had 37 criteria for choosing women, you would still find at least 50,000 girls who are exactly what you wanted. Don't worry.
If you've been out of the game for a long time or haven't had any success, then it's time to reflect on that.
Consider whether you want a relationship just because there's no one else right now, or because you genuinely care about this person.
If it's not the right person, don't commit to a relationship. You'll waste your time and theirs, and you'll both end up hurt.
Question to think about: "When was the last time you had sex before this person came along?"
The point is, are you needy and think this is your only chance at dating, or do you genuinely like this person in a special way?
3. Relationships that fit your lifestyle
If you just quit your job and are building a startup that requires 16 hours of work per day, then you should think about the time it takes for a relationship to work.
A relationship is not like casual dating. A proper relationship that works requires time and energy. That is something you don't have when you are overworked, underpaid, or simply living at a 1000-mile-an-hour pace.
Take a moment toTake a good look at your lifestyle and see if you can turn your low-cost sex-only encounters into a much more time-intensive relationship.
Question to think about: "How many hours a week can I devote to my relationship?"
4. The Dual Approval of Heart and Mind
When you're building a relationship, you want it to have some kind of future. You don't want to be in a relationship just because you want to be.
You want to know that there's a future that the two of you can share together. But to understand and see that, you need the Dual Approval.
We've already discussed the dangers of the honeymoon phase of deciding to turn a physical connection into a relationship. Here, we're going to take a "logical" approach to relationships.
You need to feel emotionally right for the other person and also logically evaluate how the two of you would be together.
You might have the hots for a girl and be having amazing sex, but she's a drug addict who stole your TV the last time she was over.
The heart says yes, the mind says "oh no."
She's a manager with her own life and autonomy, a great apartment, a great body, and no daddy issues as emotional baggage. But there is absolutely no chemistry between the two of you.
The mind says yes, the heart says "oh no."
Question to think about: "Do my mind and heart say yes to a serious relationship with her?"
To help you understand whether what you feel for the person is just sex or something more, we recommend this complete reading on the main differences between love and sex.
If you have gone through the checklist and decided that you really don't want to date right now, try to keep it that way and not move on to anything serious.
But if you have gone through this checklist and decided that you really do want to date this woman, keep reading. You will find 10 simple tips on how to turn a physical connection into a real relationship.
How to turn a hookup into a girlfriend?
Only when you have answered the questions and decided that you want to date, it is time to see the tips on how to turn your casual encounters into a committed relationship.
1. Making a real connection
Having a real connection with someone is transforming something merely physical into an emotional connection with sincerity, vulnerability and deep affection for the person.
To better understand this, I recommend a movie called "Don Jon" or with the Portuguese title "How not to lose this woman". The movie starring Joseph-Gordon Levitt and Scarlett Johannson is exactly about forming a real, deep and meaningful connection with another person.
2. Do activities together, but start slowly
Being in a relationship involves making plans together. You don't need to go overboard here by calling her to talk about your cousin's wedding, which is in six months; simply suggest that she can spend the night and then the two of you can have breakfast together.
Or call her for coffee during the day - something that sends a message that this is not an invitation for sex, but rather something more.
The rule here is to take small, incremental steps rather than giant leaps. Coffee during the day is fine, dinner at a fancy restaurant is not right now.
3. Talking about relationships in general
It might be a little awkward at first. So what do you talk about?
Take the lead and start talking about relationships (in general) and how they simplify life, what they mean to you, and how great they are when you find someone great.
Don't push to talk about exes or girlfriends, but just keep the conversation in generalities and go from there. You will notice how she acts, feels and reacts to this topic, so you adapt to her and let the conversation flow.
4. Asking about her life
Ask her about her hobbies, the craziest thing she did as a teenager, what her childhood was like, who her favorite movie star was, etc.
Ask her the things that reveal her character. This is how you will deepen the relationship you two have, change it from just physical to emotional and convey to her that you are interested in her. And by interested, I mean not only in her body, but also in her brain, emotions and life.
5. Show her your life and how cool it is
Keep it a nice conversation, not an interrogation. Show between the lines that you are a cool guy.
Let's use a hypothetical situation here to make it easier to understand. What makes a better impression in these two scenarios?
- Scenario 1: "I have a 70 yacht."
- "Yeah, sure, I'll be there. Do you have a boat?"
- "Yeah, I forgot to mention that. Business was good, so I bought one last year."
- "Wow, that's great."
And the conversation could go on in many different ways, all of which would be beneficial to you, if you were to use the second approach.
Of course, having a nice boat is out of our realm of possibility, at least for most people. But that's just to illustrate how you can get her interested in your life.
Instead of telling her how cool, brave, rich, smart, and trustworthy you are, simply show her that through your lifestyle.
You don't have to go overboard, that would only backfire. Just live your life the way you normally do and show her that.
You could simply take her to your favorite coffee shop where the staff treats you like family, or invite her to a movie where she can see the photos of your travels on the walls of your apartment. Or cook her something for breakfast or lunch - it's up to you.
The goal here is to show her that you're a cool guy not just on the surface, but that you actually lead a cool life.
6. Make her miss you
"Message sent at 7:00 PM";
"Message read at 7:01 PM";
"Message replied at 7:02 PM".
When she texts you or demands that you talk to her, invest time in her and generally be available to talk to her. However, you need to relax a bit and not respond right away. Take it easy.
If you just showed her your cool life and now she's hooked on you and wants to know more, don't just hand yourself over to her on a silver platter so she doesn't get tired of you.
You need to use what some people call the "cat string theory." By taking a ball of string and teasing your cat with it, holding it close but out of reach, she will constantly jump for it, thus keeping her interested in you.
But if your cat gets the ball, she will play with it for a while, but then lose interest. If the ball is completely available, the cat won't even bother.
So, by revealing a little about yourself, but still keeping yourself a little out of reach, she will simply want you even more. It's a great way to keep her thinking about you.
So, wait a few hours to respond to her texts, reschedule your time instead of hers, and "defend" your time. This will make her chase you because people want what they can't have.
7. Use passive attraction
This basically means letting her know that you have other girls in your life and that they require some of your time. She's not the only one who wants your attention, and if she wants you, she needs to make an effort.
You can use social media effectively for this by showing off to other girls via Facebook or Instagram. When she sees that you're a "hot commodity," it will immediately increase her attraction.
This is based on what's called "perceived value." You can't touch that value, but it's certainly there and people value it - even if it's just in perception.
A company's brand is a perceived value, and you as a person can do the same.
We want more of the things we consider valuable, and if other people want them, the perceived value of the item increases. So the more women want you, the more value you seem to have. This is called passive attraction, and you should use it to your advantage.
8. Be with her 100% or nothing
Okay, so you're a busy guy with an amazing lifestyle and lots of girls around you. But when you do find time for the relationship you want to start, you need to give her your time - 100%.
That means when you're finally with her, you're with her 100%. Don't scroll through Instagram while she's talking, or work when you're with her.
When you're with her, you're 100% present in the moment. If you make her feel so important in your life, making her your world for the time you spend together, you'll make a great girlfriend.
Don't do things half-assedly. Do it 100% or don't do it at all.
9. Create mystery around yourself
Hey girl, here's my life story in 3 minutes and that's it. Wow, what a boring movie... I mean, person.
People like a good mystery in life and when you meet someone, it's the same thing. Leave plenty of gaps open, but you can drop a few hints here and there.
Leave her wanting to get to know you more and explore all that you are, rather than just telling her everything all at once.
WhenIf a woman has that "Who in the world are you?" look in her eyes, it means you've got her interested. And she'll be on a mission to find out who you are. Remember the string theory of the cat here - give her just enough to keep her hooked, but not so much that she gets bored.
10. Create a "you and me vs. the world" scenario
And the final tip for turning your hookup into a person you want to date is to create a "you and me vs. the world" scenario.
This also ties into evolutionary biology, where tribes would fight together if there was a greater threat putting them all in danger.
During this time of crisis, you become so cohesive against something out there that you act as a single individual. And by creating this kind of scenario, you both get this internal cohesion versus something out there in the world.
You can create this kind of connection with simple things. For example, it could be a movie that you both don't like but everyone else loves, or a simple experience that you two had together that no one else had.
Framing the conversation this way happens naturally over a long period of time, but if you want it to happen quickly, you have to use polarization.
To do this, put yourself and the girl you want to date on one side by finding something that you both love, and put everyone else on the other side by making them your "enemies."
For example, you both love the band Coldplay, but you met at a country club. So you tell her, "Look at all these people who like this kind of music, while you and I know the true value of music - played by Coldplay."
Instant polarization and the two of you are a team against everyone.
Conclusion
By this point, you already have a pretty good idea of whether or not you want to date that person you've been seeing occasionally. Only you can make the final decision and give the verdict on your story.
If you really want to date her, follow the 10 steps mentioned here. Good luck with your girl!
