How to become an interesting man to women?
You walk into a bar and see a beautiful girl standing with a friend. You look her in the eyes from afar, she notices and looks at you. Her eyes meet for a second and then she smiles as she turns her head to the side and runs a hand through her hair.
"Okay, that's it," you say to yourself and start walking towards him. You strike up a conversation and even her friend helps you out a bit, she apologizes and leaves you two alone. You start talking and she tells you that all she wants is a nice, sweet guy who buys her flowers, takes her out to dinner and spends time walking along the beach. You hear this and immediately adjust your behavior to those characteristics. The conversation is going great and then you hear:
"I have to go to the bathroom."
And she never comes back, leaving you there wondering what the hell happened and what went wrong?
The answer lies not in the words she said, aka what she wanted, but in the behavior she exhibited, aka what she needed. To explain this, we'll take a little journey called "7-38-55".
The Study 7-38-55
In the year 1970 in Berkley California, Professor Mehrabian was doing a study on why we like or dislike people when they communicate with us. And he came to a surprising conclusion.
We deduce our feelings, attitudes, and beliefs about what someone says, not from the words actually said, but from their body language and tone of voice. Professor Mehrabian quantified the study that later became known as the 7-38-55 study.
In personal communication, words tend to account for only 7% of the effect, tone of voice for 38% and body language for 55%. And one more important notion here is congruence - when our words are not congruent/coherent with our paraverbal (tonality) and non-verbal (body language) signals, we tend to disregard the spoken words and believe in voice tonality and body language. .
So when you meet someone and everyone is skilled with their words, but you get that feeling something isn't right, that's your emotional center telling you that the person's words aren't congruent with their behavior and tonality. But since our emotional center is not empowered with language, we have the difficult feeling to put into words that "something just doesn't feel right."
When I first heard about this, it was like a truck had hit me. Because I've learned that it's not about the words, it's about the meaning behind them. As Peter Drucker said, "The most important thing in communication is to hear what is not said."
This rule has a scientific basis in evolutionary biology and psychology, since we evolved our emotional brains a million years before we learned to speak. So for over a million years we have relied on understanding body language rather than words.
In love relationship what does all this mean?
Now, you understand that it's not about the words, it's about the behavior (para-verbal and non-verbal communication). And now we will learn how to properly use this information to become a more interesting man and conquer the girl. We will do this through emotional intelligence.
First, let's separate needs from wants, as we have no idea what we really want, nor are we able to express when we really know the difference.
You go to a store to buy a drill and tell the clerk about it. He goes on and on, rambling on about all the different drill bits they have and how they have 700 different drill endings, how the drill fits perfectly in your hand and how it won't break in the next 5 years - for sure!
But you don't worry about it. And you don't even know why you don't care about it. And here's the reason - you don't want a drill. You want a hole in the wall! And the trick behind it is that you don't even want a hole - you just want to put your family portrait on your living room wall. You want the meaning of it.
- What is being communicated by words: I want a drill;
- What you really want: a hole;
- What you really need: put a family portrait on the wall.
Why didn't you just tell the clerk you needed to put a family portrait on the wall? Because you didn't know. So often what people say is not what they really need.
The exercise example is exactly what you need to keep in mind when talking to other people. People don't know how to separate wants from needs. But if you pay attention to their body language and tonality, you'll start to notice things.
The next time you're talking to a woman, notice what she actually does and how she responds to you. Don't take her words for granted because it's not what she says, but how she says it.
When she tells you that she doesn't want to kiss random strangers at the bar, what she means is that she still doesn't want to kiss you or that she's not sure if she knows you well enough to think of you as anything more than a stranger.
When she's touching you nonstop on your arm, it means she wants you to stay there and keep the interaction going. When she leans back, it usually means she's a little bored and you need to get her attention back. When she says you're not having any luck tonight, it means she wants you to rise to the challenge.
All of this and more happens in the subtle interactions that take place behind spoken words. And if you want to conquer it, you need to train yourself in the art of emotional intelligence.
Check out some books that can help you to have more emotional intelligence and become a more seductive man:
The 3 books I recommend are:
- 1. The game: The seduction bible - by Neil Strauss. The book was written by someone who was, shall we say, a failure at seduction, but who discovered the art of how to win people over. It has an excellent review on Amazon.
- 2. Emotional Intelligence - by Daniel Goleman. With almost 3000 positive reviews on Amazon, this is the book that explains how to work with emotional intelligence to live and deal with people. Simply incredible!
- 3. Self-esteem as a habit: A guide to applied psychology to your self-esteem and your relationships - by Gislene Isquierdo. Self-esteem is essential for relationships. People are attracted to those who value themselves! If low self-esteem is probing you, this is the book for you.