Are you a shy man in conquest? Conquer the fear of talking to a woman
You're having beer with your friends at a bar, laughing your ass off and enjoying your time. Then all of a sudden she walks in and all her friends including you go silent immediately. You look at her and on the one hand you praise the Lord for giving the world such beauty, but on the other hand you curse the fact that she had to walk into this very bar at this very moment.
Because you know what that means. You want to go there and talk to her. You look at your friends and they have the same idea - you can see it in their eyes. But your palms start to sweat, your breathing gets heavy and you start to swallow hard.
Anxiety sets in and prevents him from moving from his chair to talk to the girl. It's paralyzing, petrifying and you absolutely hate it from the bottom of your heart.
But don't despair, because there is a way to deal with approach anxiety. Men have been doing this for years and no, it doesn't involve getting drunk and then not remembering what you did for half the night.
I'm talking about how to approach sober and talk to a beautiful girl at the bar, at the club, at the party or on the street. Others have done it, so can you.
But before we get into the tips and strategies, we'll need to reframe our way of thinking about approach anxiety. And to do that, we're going to have a lesson in the history of human behavior.
So relax and get ready to enjoy reading the evolution of approach anxiety, how to think about it and, in the end, how to deal with it.
Approach anxiety
We humans lived in tribes of about 50-150 people, going hunting together, sharing food, water and shelter.
But our species, Homo Sapiens, is a social animal and that means we don't just share vital needs. We share our lives.
So imagine that you lived in a tribe at that time and, among those 100 people, you see a beautiful girl. You want to approach her and go talk to her (tribal style) and have sex with her. Then you approach and discover that the girl is actually the boss's girl, but you didn't know that.
The repercussions? The tribal chief and his henchmen beat him to death or expel him from the tribe.
If you think being kicked out of the tribe doesn't sound so bad, think about what it really means. No food, no water, no shelter, no way to defend against wild animals, no help from other people in your tribe; and if you find other people from different tribes, there is almost 100% chance of killing him. Suddenly being beaten to death doesn't seem all that different than being kicked out of the tribe. That's why it isn't.
So our ancestors used to look at these situations (which they definitely did) and think to themselves "Wow, I'm never going to do that in my life. One wrong approach and I lose my mind."
And then you've had this way of thinking for about 100,000 years and this fear of approaching girls is lingering over time. To this day, every man has approach anxiety because it is rooted in evolutionary biology. It was a way for us to survive the harsh reality of the world at that time.
But we no longer live in tribes. And yes, you and I and everyone else know that. But our brains don't. This body still thinks that we live in the tribal age because it cannot keep up with the rapid pace of our technological and civilizational growth.
Even though approach anxiety is very real, on the other hand, it's total bullshit. And here's what I mean by that.
You live in a safe world today and no one is going to kick you out of the tribe (or kill you) because you got close to a girl. So objectively, there is no reason to be afraid of that. This fear is not justified and lives only in our heads. But that doesn't make it any less real.
The way to think about approach anxiety is not as an emotion of fear, but as an emotion of arousal.
The example is that if someone put a gun to your head, you would probably feel scared. And if you were riding a roller coaster and you were about to fall, you would probably feel the same way. But you wouldn't say you're scared, you're excited. It's the same chemical mechanisms in the brain that we feel, but we interpret them differently.
The way to think about approach anxiety is that this is a situation where you have a chance to excel, to succeed. You have just been given an opportunity, a situation where your skills are delivered and the way you will behave will be really important.
And the best thing is that there are no downsides to it. Because if you are rejected, absolutely nothing will happen. But if you don't get rejected, you could end up with the best sex of your life or an amazing girlfriend or even a person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.
So now that we know why we have approach anxiety and what kind of mindset we should have about it, it's time to get into the technical nature of how to deal with this anxiety.
Dealing with approach anxiety
Approach anxiety is not something you fix overnight and will likely have it for the rest of your life. But, as we saw above, we now see this as a challenge, not a fearful situation.
There are a few ways to deal with this challenge, but some won't work for you, while others will be perfect. If you're a shy man and you're dating shyness, here are four ways you can go about dealing with approach anxiety. One or the other will make sense to you. Check out:
- 1. Understand that it's something biological
- 2. Reframe your approach
- 3. Use social pressure
- 4. Change your emotional state
We already know that our minds can affect our bodies, but we also know that our bodies can affect our minds. So, assume a posture that means relaxing your body and not caring what others think of you; stand, walk with your chin up, square your shoulders, and look people in the eye.
This will relax your body and send messages to your mind that you are confident and relaxed. Your mind will follow this and you will have a positive feedback loop.
What does approaching a girl mean to you? Rephrase the meaning of this. As a dating instructor once said, "The moment you say hi, you win."
Think about approaching with something like a "hello." This is easy and anyone can do it. You can't plan the conversation because you have no idea what the next 30 seconds will be like.
Simplify what an approach is and just say hi and let yourself go naturally. If you're thinking you're incapable of carrying on a conversation, that's just not true. Even if it somehow happens, it doesn't matter because you've already made an approach, you've already managed to move forward.
We humans have two different motivators: avoiding pain and seeking pleasure. The stronger of these two is avoiding pain.
But if we believe that we will lose a lot more by not getting close than by getting close, we will indeed get closer to the girl, that is, use the fear of missing something good and go talk to her!
If you're with your friends, give them your 50 reais and tell them to return it when you approach. Or you can even give them money and tell them they can keep the money if you don't approach that girl in 10 seconds.
In this way, the loss is actually greater than the gain and even if at this point you think it won't work, it sure will. Because that's how we're programmed (remember evolutionary psychology and biology).
So increase the amount you can afford to lose and let your brain do the work for you.
The emotion you're feeling isn't about the girl, it's about you.
You know the quote that says "You'll regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did." Change your emotional state to have positive emotions about yourself and self-respect to walk towards excellence in your life.
Think of it this way, if she rejects you, that's fine. But if you don't even get there and say hi, you're actually rejecting yourself. You're telling yourself that you're not good enough, that nothing is going to change, and that you'll never be able to go out there and strike up a conversation.
I can say that I don't remember almost any rejection I've had from girls (and I've had a lot of them), but I remember each time I rejected myself. And the pain you feel from rejecting yourself is a million times greater than any girl who rejects you in any way possible.
concluding
Being shy about trying to start a romantic relationship is common. But, you can see that all the fears, insecurities and anxieties are in your head, right? It's all about changing perspectives.
Think that a "no" from the girl you already have, because if you don't go there to talk to her "no" you will have the possibility of relating. So, from the moment you decide to approach a woman, the possibility of success already exists.
Besides, even if she rejects you, at least you tried and now you can say that you have a little more experience with it and can improve over time.
So live with no regrets and cherish yourself, because who will if you don't?!
